So there we were, this other human and I, and I inquired of this person “What is it that you want most?” His/her response: Happiness. Ha ha. That’s a little petty, don’t you think? I would’ve said the ability to change animals’ genders, make other people sneeze at will, the ability to accomplish any task that someone bets me I can’t do (i.e. Crassus, I bet you can’t jump over that building. Oh wait, I have this awesome super-power, so I can!), or some other ability that would actually help me in life. But nonetheless, I guess happiness is something that everyone should aim for. I have seen that Promised Land and I guess that I can say it’s pretty great (although not quite as great as being able to turn regular salt into bath and/or smelling salts—it would come in handy when your friend passes out at the restaurant or you are about to take a bath in your kitchen and don’t want to run all the way to the bathroom to get the salts). Anywhich, I am here to tell you the quickest way to happiness: BUY IT!
Now I know what you all are thinking, “No, Crassus, you must be wrong! We’ve been told for years that money can’t buy happiness.” WRONG! If money can’t buy happiness then what can? Some people are happy, so they must have acquired it somehow. The logic is flawed. I’m sorry, but you’ve been fed a bunch of lies all of your life. Let me show you that money can, in fact, purchase happiness.
“It isn’t what you have, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you are thinking about.” –Dale Carnegie. So as long as you are thinking of money you will be happy.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” –Gandhi. Let me tell you, saying “Money! Money! Money!” harmonizes quite nicely to the sound of clinking drachmas.
“The only joy in the world is to begin.” –Cesar Pavase. He didn’t quite finish the thought, though. I think he had a stroke or something right then. But he was about to say “The only joy in the world is to begin buying everything!”
“For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.” –Seneca. Right. It changes them to sheer awesome joy!
“A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit, and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?” –Albert Einstein. This is not a rhetorical question, so I will answer it for you, Al. We need lots of things other than that, for instance: more food than just fruit, maybe a bed, friends, a special someone, and, oh yeah, Money to buy more than just a violin.
“Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.” –Winnie the Pooh. How correct he is. So buy lots of balloons. That’s a sure-fire way to happiness.
To close I would just like to say: Happiness is by coins, not chance. Thank you.
Now I know what you all are thinking, “No, Crassus, you must be wrong! We’ve been told for years that money can’t buy happiness.” WRONG! If money can’t buy happiness then what can? Some people are happy, so they must have acquired it somehow. The logic is flawed. I’m sorry, but you’ve been fed a bunch of lies all of your life. Let me show you that money can, in fact, purchase happiness.
- With money, you can just ride in a helicopter up to the top of the mountain to talk to the guru. #(Octothorpe)Enlightenment! (I refuse to call them “hashtags”).
- Ice cream. Need I say more?
- Bigger x Parties = More Friends = Happier You
- Whenever you go to the fair, you can actually be that guy that buys cotton candy.
- You can always look at the sunny side. If it’s raining where you are, just fly in your personal jet to another part of the world. Problem solved.
- Eating chocolate chip cookies . . . Always.
- You can always have a smile on your face with just a little plastic surgery and Botox.
- With money, you don’t have to dwell on your past mistakes. And neither can anyone else when you hire that hacker to erase your record.
- The world’s opinion of you doesn’t matter to you, because most people look up to you, anyway. If they don’t, just introduce them to your friends Hamilton, Lincoln, and Washington and then, hey, now they love you!
- Think of how happy you would be if you could pay for someone else to do your job while you go hot-tubbing with your special someone on a hot air balloon bound for your own private island. Also you are sitting next to your pet (insert exotic animal here) and Curt Smith is serenading the two of you. Then you present your love with chocolate-covered roses dipped in diamonds. She loves them. You land on the island to mount your horses. You have paid the weatherman to predict rain for tonight. You now dismount the horses. An entire symphony behind you plays the theme from Titanic as you and your significant other dance on the beach . . . in the rain . . . at sunset. “Shh . . .” you whisper, “What’s that you hear? Oh, it’s just the sound of this candle-lit lobster and/or filet mignon and/or caviar dinner.” You take off your top-hat and hand it, along with your cane, to your butler, Jeeves. But you leave on your coat since you want your tails to twirl as you spin on the platinum dance floor. Now you are waltzing. She is swooning. Life is good.
“It isn’t what you have, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you are thinking about.” –Dale Carnegie. So as long as you are thinking of money you will be happy.
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” –Gandhi. Let me tell you, saying “Money! Money! Money!” harmonizes quite nicely to the sound of clinking drachmas.
“The only joy in the world is to begin.” –Cesar Pavase. He didn’t quite finish the thought, though. I think he had a stroke or something right then. But he was about to say “The only joy in the world is to begin buying everything!”
“For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.” –Seneca. Right. It changes them to sheer awesome joy!
“A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit, and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?” –Albert Einstein. This is not a rhetorical question, so I will answer it for you, Al. We need lots of things other than that, for instance: more food than just fruit, maybe a bed, friends, a special someone, and, oh yeah, Money to buy more than just a violin.
“Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.” –Winnie the Pooh. How correct he is. So buy lots of balloons. That’s a sure-fire way to happiness.
To close I would just like to say: Happiness is by coins, not chance. Thank you.