Back in my youth, before I was financially well-off, the idea of starting my own business intrigued me. And this wasn’t the usual “Hmm. Interesting” intriguing; it was the oh-my-goodness-look-at-that-girl-I-have-to-marry-her sort of intrigue. I would walk around my neighborhood—it was a beautiful day there—just looking at my neighbors—for it was a beautiful day for my neighbors—and I would wonder: Would they be mine? Could they be mine . . . ? And then it hit me like Bautista popping The Undertaker (but not quite as hard as Tommy rocking Mad Dog Grimes . . . I love you, Tommy). Anywhich, it hit me nonetheless: Of course they were going to be my neighbors! And what kind of neighbor would I be if I didn’t EXPLOIT THEM FOR THEIR MONEY!! (Now go back and reread that sentence the way it was intended—with a voice that is like a rich, hot mixture of Pèpe from The Muppets and Gothmog. Also there is a huge emphasis on the “rich” part of that voice. You’ve got to sound rich to be rich).
Now, that moment is when I decided that I wanted it all even more than Sharpay did in HSM3, and a lemonade stand was exactly how I was going to get there. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that this was a game for people who were no taller than 2’ 1’’, couldn’t define the word “yellow,” and still did a pee-pee dance (or just wet themselves for that matter). I needed a way to shove those little kids in their sticky little faces and take the neighborhood’s money that was immorally mine! So I came up with these twists on the lemonade stand to ensure I could reel in the revenue and send those toddlers crying to mommy harder than I cried during “Gotta Go My Own Way.”
Now, that moment is when I decided that I wanted it all even more than Sharpay did in HSM3, and a lemonade stand was exactly how I was going to get there. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that this was a game for people who were no taller than 2’ 1’’, couldn’t define the word “yellow,” and still did a pee-pee dance (or just wet themselves for that matter). I needed a way to shove those little kids in their sticky little faces and take the neighborhood’s money that was immorally mine! So I came up with these twists on the lemonade stand to ensure I could reel in the revenue and send those toddlers crying to mommy harder than I cried during “Gotta Go My Own Way.”
- People love to be tricked. Look at the success of Penn & Teller, Chris Angel, or Uncle Max (His pull my finger is crazy good). So make sure to entertain the people with some cleverness! Put up a sign that says “Lemonade? Only 50¢” Then, when someone hands you a dollar and says, “Two lemonades, please,” you reply, “Yeah, that’d be great! Thanks.” Take his dollar and sit there staring at him with a friendly smile on your face until he realizes that he’s supposed to give you two lemonades. He’ll feel guilty thinking that you expect two lemonades now and run to buy two lemonades. When he returns, drink one of them, then turn around and sell the second to him for double the original price.
- Make it more adventurous by adding some sort of challenge, like something Man vs. Food would do. I personally like the challenge that if they can drink one gallon of Tabasco sauce in front of you, they win a whole lemonade for free. The competitive people will line up to beat your challenge so they can have their picture hung up on the telephone pole next to you. But, when they drink the hot sauce, they’ll be so in need of lemonade, that you can raise the price to twelve bucks a cup and they will still buy ten!
- Another great way is to make sure that people can’t stay away. This can be done by slipping in something slightly addictive like alcohol or marijuana and then calling it something like “Babette’s Fun Lemonade” or “Mike’s not-very-soft Lemonade.”
- Be sure to reach out to those with disabilities, so serve “Melonade” for the dyslexic and “Lenin-Aid” for the communists.
- If you really want to get people to flock to your lemonade stand, though, just get celebrities and/or models to be at your stand. This one can be hard, but if you are really looking for someone that’ll draw a crowd, I’m free most weekdays.