Hello all. If you could see a picture of me, first off, you’d be incredibly attracted to it, but secondly, I’m sure that you would all wonder how I could have risen to my unbelievable financial stability, and I’ve decided to impart of my wisdom to the world. Let me tell you right now, the world looks a heck of a lot prettier when you see it from atop a toilet of currency. I literally wash my hands with money. Yes. I mean literally . . . But don’t think too hard on that one. Anywhom, I’m going to lay it on you smooth: If you follow my advice, you too can live like a king that held an emperor for an outrageous ransom, taxed the crap out of his subjects, married an exotic billionaire, discovered a gold mine, and owned a drug cartel in Tijuana.
First Lesson: The Art of the Mooch.
Now we all know that one guy that lives off of his friends, borrows everything down to toothbrushes, and sneaks fries from the kid’s meal next to him while it's owner is crying in a ball-pit. Most may look at him and think, “Where are his manners?” However, I see him and say, “There is a man that has it figured out.”
Mooching is a way of life. A good mooch is a great way to save money. When we perfect that art form of using other people’s property and having them pay for our own menial expenses, money is saved up the wazoo. It doesn’t even take fifteen minutes. A good mooch can be as short as a few seconds. Take that Geico! You must realize that you can’t appear as a moocher though. People are usually put off by the feeble attempts of amateur moochers and turn them away with ease. That’s what I’m here for. I’m a professional moocher. So listen up so you can mooch without appearing as the life-sucking parasite that you really are.
The first thing you have to realize is that leeches are part of the ecosystem. Your job as a moocher is to cleanse, or bleed out, the excess of others. Money can be a burden sometimes. You can help ease that load for others. Many people are disgusted at this notion of being such a “petty” creature, but that pride is the biggest thing holding them back from glory and riches. Embrace the Mooch!! Never be embarrassed for your clever frugality. Mooching is something to be admired, not looked down upon. And once you excel at it, mooching will greatly increase your self-esteem.
Once you are comfortable in your state of parasitism, the hard part begins. You must mooch for food or money that doesn’t make it seem like you are asking for it. This is when people become wary and skeptical of your true motives. A great way to avoid this suspicion is to make it funny. This can be done through simple things such as bets. For instance, walk up to the man at Subway and say, “Ten bucks says I can fit that whole sandwich in my mouth.” Then proceed to grab his sandwich and fit the whole thing in your mouth. Not only did you just get a free sandwich, but now the dude owes you ten dollars! What a great mooch!
Trickery is another way to get away with hardcore mooching. Making your victim believe that they are the benefactor is hard, but can be done, especially if you choose your victims wisely. My advice is to befriend your host and then subtly proceed from there. I tend to aim for girls from filthy rich families. They aren’t used to thinking as much anyway, so they are easily swayed. Mooching them is easier and can be surprisingly enjoyable.
Now remember, practice makes perfect when it comes to mooching, so mooch as many people as often as possible. I’ve developed a deep love for mooching and find it is one of my favorite past times now. The art of mooching is a beautiful thing and will save you loads of money. It is a skill everyone could afford to polish. Just remember the words of Art Garfunkel, “He who mooches most dies happiest.” (Note: by Art Garfunkel, I am not referring to the singer, but rather the hobo I met last weekend).
P.S. If you add an “s” to the beginning of the word “mooch” throughout this article, it becomes a lot more interesting.
First Lesson: The Art of the Mooch.
Now we all know that one guy that lives off of his friends, borrows everything down to toothbrushes, and sneaks fries from the kid’s meal next to him while it's owner is crying in a ball-pit. Most may look at him and think, “Where are his manners?” However, I see him and say, “There is a man that has it figured out.”
Mooching is a way of life. A good mooch is a great way to save money. When we perfect that art form of using other people’s property and having them pay for our own menial expenses, money is saved up the wazoo. It doesn’t even take fifteen minutes. A good mooch can be as short as a few seconds. Take that Geico! You must realize that you can’t appear as a moocher though. People are usually put off by the feeble attempts of amateur moochers and turn them away with ease. That’s what I’m here for. I’m a professional moocher. So listen up so you can mooch without appearing as the life-sucking parasite that you really are.
The first thing you have to realize is that leeches are part of the ecosystem. Your job as a moocher is to cleanse, or bleed out, the excess of others. Money can be a burden sometimes. You can help ease that load for others. Many people are disgusted at this notion of being such a “petty” creature, but that pride is the biggest thing holding them back from glory and riches. Embrace the Mooch!! Never be embarrassed for your clever frugality. Mooching is something to be admired, not looked down upon. And once you excel at it, mooching will greatly increase your self-esteem.
Once you are comfortable in your state of parasitism, the hard part begins. You must mooch for food or money that doesn’t make it seem like you are asking for it. This is when people become wary and skeptical of your true motives. A great way to avoid this suspicion is to make it funny. This can be done through simple things such as bets. For instance, walk up to the man at Subway and say, “Ten bucks says I can fit that whole sandwich in my mouth.” Then proceed to grab his sandwich and fit the whole thing in your mouth. Not only did you just get a free sandwich, but now the dude owes you ten dollars! What a great mooch!
Trickery is another way to get away with hardcore mooching. Making your victim believe that they are the benefactor is hard, but can be done, especially if you choose your victims wisely. My advice is to befriend your host and then subtly proceed from there. I tend to aim for girls from filthy rich families. They aren’t used to thinking as much anyway, so they are easily swayed. Mooching them is easier and can be surprisingly enjoyable.
Now remember, practice makes perfect when it comes to mooching, so mooch as many people as often as possible. I’ve developed a deep love for mooching and find it is one of my favorite past times now. The art of mooching is a beautiful thing and will save you loads of money. It is a skill everyone could afford to polish. Just remember the words of Art Garfunkel, “He who mooches most dies happiest.” (Note: by Art Garfunkel, I am not referring to the singer, but rather the hobo I met last weekend).
P.S. If you add an “s” to the beginning of the word “mooch” throughout this article, it becomes a lot more interesting.