Before the birth of The Star, I had a different medium for sharing my relationship advice: Facebook. Because many of you were not on the bandwagon back then, I’ve decided to share some of my best pointers from before The Star existed.
On meeting the parents…
Be Yourself.
Unless “yourself” is someone that a parent would not want their child to date. In that case, don’t be yourself. Some good options to be include: Batman, Arthur the Aardvark, or Harrison Ford for the guys; Elphaba, Oprah, or a One Direction fan for the girls. If you aren’t sure whether to be “yourself” or not, you could switch back and forth between personalities. For example: “Hi, I’m Pompeius. And by Pompeius, I mean Batman. I will have your daughter back by 11:30. Well, maybe not because bats are nocturnal. Justice knows no curfew. I have a couple of classes with your daughter and wanted to get to know her better. That’s a complete lie. If I wanted to know more about her, I would hide in the shadows, watching her every move.
On Facebook flirting...
Create a game called “with his/her heart.” Invite your love to play it. They will receive a notification that says “Pompeius invited you to play with his heart.” They will certainly get lost in the game.
On what Disney teaches you about love...
Being funny alone doesn’t actually get you any girls.
Olaf may be one of the funniest Disney characters ever. However, the only thing he ever gets is warm hugs. Can you say friend zoned? (If you actually just said friend zone out loud, you didn’t have to.) All of the funniest Disney characters are destined to be forever alone. Mushu? He tells girls to be more like guys. Let me know how that one works out for you. Kronk? The ultimate bachelor. Genie? When’s the last time you impressed a girl by living in a lamp? Timone and Pumba? Do I even need to expound on that one? The list goes on and on. If you want girls to like you, don’t be funny.
On Kissing...
Drop hints at every chance.
Scratch that. If you have a hint, throw it in their face repeatedly. A lot of the time, people are just plain dumb and too confused to be able to read hints. Be Super-Obvious (Kind of like Superman, but obvious). Something like “Awww Golly Gee! I just put on way too much chapstick. If only there was someone that has chapped lips that I could use my lips to heal. Oh, look at you. Your lips are about to fall off. You probably need chapstick. I’ll share mine.” *Kiss*
On Texting...
Say romantic things that let them know you are thinking about them.
Everyone loves hearing things like “I hope you made it to your bed all right after you walked in your garage at 10:38 PM tonight,” or “Were you drinking 2% at lunch because you think you’re fat,” or “I know where you sleep. Lol. But really.”
On why women prefer the bad boys...
You know, I’m not going to complain about this one. I’ve been told I’m a bad boy and that’s why I get all the ladies. Roar… I enjoy walking around shirtless with 3 airsoft guns strapped to my back because I am that manly. If you want me come and get me ladies. And you definitely want me. Mmmm. I’m like a taco, SPICY. Like one of those 50 cent ones you can get downtown and accidently put the spiciest sauce on. Nothing manlier than downtown tacos. I’ve been compared to the big, bad wolf, except the man version. The big, bad man. That’s why girls like me. J.K. Rowling on the floor laughing, They just like me for my abs.
On what girls look for in guys…
Girls like guys that are sensitive.
There was this one time when I was walking down the street. (BTW, every person that I met had an original point of view. No, that doesn’t rhyme, but theme songs to all-time great TV shows do not need to rhyme.) All of a sudden, a puppy came up to me. I picked it up and began to cuddle with it. All of a sudden, tears came. My eyes became Niagara Falls (the American version, not the Canadian version that completely ruins it like the Canadians tried to do with bacon). (Disclaimer: My eyes did not become Niagara Falls. If they did, my body would have drowned. Metaphors rock!) My eyes became very red (Bob Costas style, because the ladies love Bob Costas). My puppy and red eyes were too much for the female gender to handle. I was surrounded. It was like I was in a deodorant commercial. Moral of the story: either integrity, courage, or sacrifice.
On getting girls to watch sports with you…
Offer a Trade
If you need someone to watch with bad enough, you may have to sell your soul to the female. Give them something they want for something you want. Like marriage. Girls like marriage, I think. What else does a girl want? Hey, that’s a movie! Maybe you could exchange a night of sports for a night of chick flicks. And, if it’s the right chick flick, you may actually enjoy it. Just don’t admit it too often if you do enjoy it. Because then you lose your man card, which is almost like losing a free meal card. Yeah. It’s that bad.
On breaking up…
Avoid “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Have confidence. You are clearly the superior human. Don’t give them pity. Sometimes, you need to learn to develop this killer instinct. If so, do I have the medicine for you. Change love songs from talking about others to complimenting yourself. For example:
-“You Don’t Know I’m Beautiful”
-“I’m Amazing Just the Way I Am”
-“I Belong With Me”
-“I’ll be in My Heart”
On asking on dates…
The kidnapping method:
Who needs to actually ask to go on a date? I mean, why wouldn’t they want to go with you. If you can look in the mirror while flexing and say this with a straight face, then this is the method for you. You don’t even need to ask. Simply show up to their house, throw a back over their head, and lead them into the back of your car. Make sure you open the car door for them, because that would be chivalrous.
On meeting the parents…
Be Yourself.
Unless “yourself” is someone that a parent would not want their child to date. In that case, don’t be yourself. Some good options to be include: Batman, Arthur the Aardvark, or Harrison Ford for the guys; Elphaba, Oprah, or a One Direction fan for the girls. If you aren’t sure whether to be “yourself” or not, you could switch back and forth between personalities. For example: “Hi, I’m Pompeius. And by Pompeius, I mean Batman. I will have your daughter back by 11:30. Well, maybe not because bats are nocturnal. Justice knows no curfew. I have a couple of classes with your daughter and wanted to get to know her better. That’s a complete lie. If I wanted to know more about her, I would hide in the shadows, watching her every move.
On Facebook flirting...
Create a game called “with his/her heart.” Invite your love to play it. They will receive a notification that says “Pompeius invited you to play with his heart.” They will certainly get lost in the game.
On what Disney teaches you about love...
Being funny alone doesn’t actually get you any girls.
Olaf may be one of the funniest Disney characters ever. However, the only thing he ever gets is warm hugs. Can you say friend zoned? (If you actually just said friend zone out loud, you didn’t have to.) All of the funniest Disney characters are destined to be forever alone. Mushu? He tells girls to be more like guys. Let me know how that one works out for you. Kronk? The ultimate bachelor. Genie? When’s the last time you impressed a girl by living in a lamp? Timone and Pumba? Do I even need to expound on that one? The list goes on and on. If you want girls to like you, don’t be funny.
On Kissing...
Drop hints at every chance.
Scratch that. If you have a hint, throw it in their face repeatedly. A lot of the time, people are just plain dumb and too confused to be able to read hints. Be Super-Obvious (Kind of like Superman, but obvious). Something like “Awww Golly Gee! I just put on way too much chapstick. If only there was someone that has chapped lips that I could use my lips to heal. Oh, look at you. Your lips are about to fall off. You probably need chapstick. I’ll share mine.” *Kiss*
On Texting...
Say romantic things that let them know you are thinking about them.
Everyone loves hearing things like “I hope you made it to your bed all right after you walked in your garage at 10:38 PM tonight,” or “Were you drinking 2% at lunch because you think you’re fat,” or “I know where you sleep. Lol. But really.”
On why women prefer the bad boys...
You know, I’m not going to complain about this one. I’ve been told I’m a bad boy and that’s why I get all the ladies. Roar… I enjoy walking around shirtless with 3 airsoft guns strapped to my back because I am that manly. If you want me come and get me ladies. And you definitely want me. Mmmm. I’m like a taco, SPICY. Like one of those 50 cent ones you can get downtown and accidently put the spiciest sauce on. Nothing manlier than downtown tacos. I’ve been compared to the big, bad wolf, except the man version. The big, bad man. That’s why girls like me. J.K. Rowling on the floor laughing, They just like me for my abs.
On what girls look for in guys…
Girls like guys that are sensitive.
There was this one time when I was walking down the street. (BTW, every person that I met had an original point of view. No, that doesn’t rhyme, but theme songs to all-time great TV shows do not need to rhyme.) All of a sudden, a puppy came up to me. I picked it up and began to cuddle with it. All of a sudden, tears came. My eyes became Niagara Falls (the American version, not the Canadian version that completely ruins it like the Canadians tried to do with bacon). (Disclaimer: My eyes did not become Niagara Falls. If they did, my body would have drowned. Metaphors rock!) My eyes became very red (Bob Costas style, because the ladies love Bob Costas). My puppy and red eyes were too much for the female gender to handle. I was surrounded. It was like I was in a deodorant commercial. Moral of the story: either integrity, courage, or sacrifice.
On getting girls to watch sports with you…
Offer a Trade
If you need someone to watch with bad enough, you may have to sell your soul to the female. Give them something they want for something you want. Like marriage. Girls like marriage, I think. What else does a girl want? Hey, that’s a movie! Maybe you could exchange a night of sports for a night of chick flicks. And, if it’s the right chick flick, you may actually enjoy it. Just don’t admit it too often if you do enjoy it. Because then you lose your man card, which is almost like losing a free meal card. Yeah. It’s that bad.
On breaking up…
Avoid “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Have confidence. You are clearly the superior human. Don’t give them pity. Sometimes, you need to learn to develop this killer instinct. If so, do I have the medicine for you. Change love songs from talking about others to complimenting yourself. For example:
-“You Don’t Know I’m Beautiful”
-“I’m Amazing Just the Way I Am”
-“I Belong With Me”
-“I’ll be in My Heart”
On asking on dates…
The kidnapping method:
Who needs to actually ask to go on a date? I mean, why wouldn’t they want to go with you. If you can look in the mirror while flexing and say this with a straight face, then this is the method for you. You don’t even need to ask. Simply show up to their house, throw a back over their head, and lead them into the back of your car. Make sure you open the car door for them, because that would be chivalrous.