You walk down the hall, smile at someone you don’t know out of the goodness of your heart, then continue to walk away. Suddenly, that someone is following you. For the next month, you get romantic notes, dreamy stares, and unwanted advances from someone. Blast your kindness! You’re too nice. However, there is a way out of this situation while still keeping your gentle aura. In fact, there are multiple ways.
1. Work on having a less attractive smile.
If your smile is what is causing people to follow you around, you don’t have to quit smiling. Simply get worse at it. Practice your overbite, yellow your teeth, squint your eyes, allow pepper flakes to reside in your teeth, smear your lipstick (especially effective when you’re a guy), wear a purple mouthguard, have bad breath, color in your dimples, pass gas, never floss, or grunt whenever you smile. People will no longer follow you around if you smile at them, but the police may be the ones to start following you.
2. Be the fastest person around.
The Paparazzi simulates creepers very well. Professional athletes seem to have fewer issues with Paparazzi than movie stars do. Why is this you ask? (If you didn’t ask this, you should now ask this. Pause while waiting for you to ask) It’s because while professional athletes are becoming more agile, quick, and conditioned, movie stars are eating complimentary donuts on set. Case in point: Have you ever seen anybody “run” the red carpet? Negative. If you want to avoid creepers, you need to have the best conditioning around. Because with creepers, you can run, but you can’t hide. After all, they know where you live.
3. Return the Favor
It’s been said that people that are bullied are the most likely to bully others. Thus, the people that are creeped upon should creep on others. (False Analogy, but still true.) If you start following someone, they can’t be following you. Plus, it’s kind of fun to be the one creeping on other people.
You: Howdy partner!
Target: Do I know you?
You: Not Biblically until we’re married...
Target: Wait, What are you talking about?
You: Kiss Me. I’m Irish. Well, not really, but kiss me anyway because you’re already in the habit of doing so in my dreams.
(Proceed to follow them wherever they go. Close your eyes in the bathroom because even creepers have some sense of decency.)
1. Work on having a less attractive smile.
If your smile is what is causing people to follow you around, you don’t have to quit smiling. Simply get worse at it. Practice your overbite, yellow your teeth, squint your eyes, allow pepper flakes to reside in your teeth, smear your lipstick (especially effective when you’re a guy), wear a purple mouthguard, have bad breath, color in your dimples, pass gas, never floss, or grunt whenever you smile. People will no longer follow you around if you smile at them, but the police may be the ones to start following you.
2. Be the fastest person around.
The Paparazzi simulates creepers very well. Professional athletes seem to have fewer issues with Paparazzi than movie stars do. Why is this you ask? (If you didn’t ask this, you should now ask this. Pause while waiting for you to ask) It’s because while professional athletes are becoming more agile, quick, and conditioned, movie stars are eating complimentary donuts on set. Case in point: Have you ever seen anybody “run” the red carpet? Negative. If you want to avoid creepers, you need to have the best conditioning around. Because with creepers, you can run, but you can’t hide. After all, they know where you live.
3. Return the Favor
It’s been said that people that are bullied are the most likely to bully others. Thus, the people that are creeped upon should creep on others. (False Analogy, but still true.) If you start following someone, they can’t be following you. Plus, it’s kind of fun to be the one creeping on other people.
You: Howdy partner!
Target: Do I know you?
You: Not Biblically until we’re married...
Target: Wait, What are you talking about?
You: Kiss Me. I’m Irish. Well, not really, but kiss me anyway because you’re already in the habit of doing so in my dreams.
(Proceed to follow them wherever they go. Close your eyes in the bathroom because even creepers have some sense of decency.)