The Anatomy of a Perfect Love Letter
The Ringo Star is currently struggling with funding, so we had to find a sponsor for this week’s love column. Our benevolent sponsor is the United States Postal Service. However, our loving sponsor is similarly struggling with funding. Why would such an organization not have an excess of money? Because people no longer send letters, specifically love letters. This is a travesty! First people stop writing love letters, then love disappears. It’s only a matter of time before people call for the Song of Solomon to be removed from the Bible. (Please don’t call for this people...I might cry.) The USPS and I have a common goal, to get people to return to the glory days of writing handwritten love letters to each other. However, love letter writing is now a lost art. Luckily, you have a wise sensei who will be able to teach you.
1. Begin by saying “Dearest” instead of “Dear.” This is a love letter, not a business email. If they are not your most dear person, check your priorities. At least pretend for a couple of minutes. 2. Cute nicknames=Success. People love it when you play around with their name. It’s a sign of affection. If her name is Susan, change it to Dr. Suessan, because her prescription is all you need. If his name is Marnold (I just made up a random name and spell check didn’t underline it), call him Marnold Schwarzenegger, because your love for him will never be terminated. 3. Say cheesy one-liners. Pretend you live about 200 years ago in a rural village. Also pretend that you have never spoken to someone of the opposite gender before. I’ve learned that the more awkward you are, the better the love letter will turn out. 4. Be mysterious. Mystery is very flirtatious. Flirting is sort of the point of love letters. This mystery can be achieved many ways. you could decide to not use capitalization ornotusespaces so it is really hard to read. You could also go the secret admirer route and not let them know who you are. Just always be watching them. Mysteriously, not stalkerishly. Here is a sample love letter that I decided to write to my beloved sponsor, the United States Postal Service: Dearest Government Company Thing Named After a Ben Gibbard Band (Long Nickname, but worth it because it means something special to both of us), I’ve seen you there everyday, just waiting to be noticed. You come by my house every day, but you never stay for long. Are you shy? Are you insecure? (You can tell people they’re insecure only if you follow it with the next sentence, or they’ll become even more insecure.) Don’t know what for. You’re turning heads when you walk through that do-o-or. Actually, you never walk through that do-o-or. Instead you always use that slot in that do-o-or. You can use that do-o-or if you want to. Mi casa es su casa. (Impress them with your foreign language abilities. They don’t call it a “Romance” Language for nada.) We should get to know each other better. Your Patronus has lit a flame in my heart that no fire extinguisher can extinguish. (See? That sounds really sweet, but if you look back at that last sentence, it makes very little sense.) Love, Your Secret Admirer Actually, it’s Pompeius (I’m kind of bad at mystery. I want credit for my writing.) |
Dating Like a Frugal Boss
Growing up as a boy, I was always strangely attracted to the opposite gender. So, being my handsome and cunning self, I began to implement the expert love advice of the brilliant Pompeius (if you are having trouble finding or hanging onto a girlfriend, I highly recommend following his instruction. Check out his guidance at theringostar.weebly.com/love).
Because of my natural, rugged good-looks and my newfound charisma, ladies began lining up to date me, giving me the eye as I walked down the street, trying to drop subtle hints—like the group of girls that rented a billboard and plastered a picture of themselves holding my dog ransom on it with the words, “Crassus, Date us or Phydeaux gets it!” (In case you were wondering my dog’s name is Phydeaux—pronounced like “Fido”—but I decided that since I was rich enough I could invent my own mixture of French and Greek language. It’s called “Freek”) Anywhy, with all of these dates I went on, I quickly came to the sad truth that dating could cost a lot of money if I didn’t handle it correctly. Dating can kick any guy’s assets. To fix this problem, I began to “leave my wallet in my other pants” and “get mugged” on the way to the pick my date up. Girls can pick up on lies pretty quickly though, so soon most of my nights ended with a high five to the face or washing my eyeballs with club soda. My date would then scream something like “You are such a[n] (insert slander here—e.g. cheapskate, miser, skinflint, harpy, Scrooge, and/or tightwad)!” And you know what I’d say to that? “At least I’m not dating one!” That always got ‘em. But as Pompeius taught me: Getting root-beer dumped on your head at the end of the date probably means you won’t be going on another date with that girl or her friends anytime soon. This didn’t appeal to me since I like girls a whole lot. There had to be a way that I could spend time with my two loves: money and ladies. I needed a new tactic, because apparently I “lacked all tact” or so Britney said . . . or maybe it was Shauntelle . . . or was it Kelly? I don’t know, but it was one of those little horrors. But probably all three. So, anywhom, I came up with the perfect solution: Money-making dates! I thought that simply telling the girl that love was greater than or equal to money was the answer since it worked the first couple times. She’ll say “Oh that’s so sweet! You don’t have to spend money on me.” Great. Wasn’t planning on it. Anywhat, let’s weigh the pros and cons of moola-wooing, shall we? Pros: Make money, be with a lady, don’t get slapped, possibility of good-night kisses, make more money, ladies again. Cons: I can’t see any. So without further ado, I present the “Crassus Courtship & Cash Collection Crusade!” 1) Make a lemonade stand from my last issue. After all, when life gives you women . . . Oops. Typo. I mean lemons. 2) Kissing-booth: your date can either open and close the curtain for you as the ladies line up OR she can open up a rival booth next to yours and you see who gets more customers. 3) Street perform/Pan-handle: prepare a talent with your date (such as dancing, extreme knitting, acting like a horse, or kissing) and perform it on a street corner with a donation hat. If you and your date are both talentless, sitting there with a sign that says “On a date. Please help!” works almost as well. 4) Fetch stray coins from fountains. 5) Pretend to be a waiter and waitress at a nearby restaurant and pick up tips. The two of you can also rollerblade while doing this one. 6) Invent bring-a-date-to-work-day at your job. She’ll help you work and you get paid for it. Hoorah! To sum up, GIRLS = GOOD and also MONEY = GOOD so GIRLS x MONEY = GOOD². Remember to put your money where your mouth is . . . unless you are about to kiss a girl. Thank you. |
Frozen: How good is it?
Disney’s most recent movie musical Frozen has finally come out on DVD! The film seemed to capture audiences in a way no Disney film (or really any film) has in quite a while. This led to it garnering twice the box office of its older sister Tangled. But is the film really all that it’s cracked up to be? I was planning on writing a harsh criticism of it, but it made $400 million, and who am I to criticize a film that made more money than I will likely make in my entire life. Indeed, as one of the highest grossing animated films ever, it can be considered nothing but a success. What did it do that was so exceptional?
1) It made the audience not care about gaping plot holes. Where does Elsa’s power over snow and ice come from? What are the adorable yet disturbing rock-troll things and why do they know anything about magic? Why would you keep a daughter locked up in the castle because her sister is magical? How could good parents be so terrible to their children? (There’s not even an evil step mother in this one to be . . . evil. It’s just the parents.) Why is Elsa the only person with magical powers? What are her powers even? They start out similar to Frozone in The Incredibles, but before too long she’s building castles and cursing the land with eternal winters like the White Witch of Narnia. Why is she better at controlling her magic as a child than as an adult? The questions go on and on (these covering just the first third of the film), but how much do they actually affect the movie: a big, juicy bagel; nil, nothing, naught. Despite a plot that you could sift flour through, everyone loved it. So again, who am I to say it has a bad plot. Unlike every other movie ever made, the plot just seems to not matter. Michael Bay has spent billions of dollars and never figured out how to make a movie good without a plot; what Frozen did then was very special. 2) It made the audience not care that they were singing the whole time. Les Miserables (one of my favourite movie musicals behind the HSM trilogy) got a lot of flak for never giving the audience a break from song. Besides the arbitrary spoken line here and there, the entire movie was one long song. Frozen was similarly submerged in song, but unlike Les Miserables, Frozen was not a sung script, which meant that in the sea of “Snowmen,” “Fixer Uppers,” and “Adele Dazeems,” there were barely any islands of dialogue left (which contributed to the lack of plot discussed above). But (again) something about the film made this not matter; something about the semi-catchy soundtrack made it bearable, even enjoyable, for an hour and a half. Even the thrice Academy Award winning soundtrack of The Lord of the Rings grows tiresome as it plays constantly through each movie (although, to be fair, The Lord of the Rings soundtrack must entertain for nearly ten hours, Frozen a piddling hour and half in comparison). 3) It made the audience not care the story-telling was subpar. Throughout history people have been telling stories (how do I know this? Simple: a flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts of power), and motion pictures are just another medium through which to tell a story. When I, as an audience member, attend a film, I go to be told a story. When I, as a film critique, attend a film, I am judging it on if the story is worth telling and how well it is told. As established in point one, Frozen didn’t have a great story, but on top of that, it was told poorly. Case in Point: Compare the exposition of Frozen to that of Pixar’s animated film Up. Both comprise the first twelve minutes of the film (11:37 and 11:48 respectively to be precise), neither relies heavily on dialogue, both provide a history of one character (Anna and Mr. Fredrickson), and both are charming yet feature profound tragedy; but Up excels far beyond Frozen in storytelling. The exposition of Up reveals the moti-vations that drive the rest of the movie. It establishes not just Mr. Fredrickson’s character now, but also how he’s changed through his life. It gives you a clear sense of how the Fredrickson’s lived their life, from occupations to pastimes to passions. It gives a perfect summary of a couple’s life together. And as it does all this, it remains very relatable; plus, it never feels expository. It shows two lives pan out together as a beautiful, cohesive story that doesn’t require explanation. In short, the exposition of Up isn’t an exposition at all, it’s a story. The exposition of Frozen leaves you confused. It begins with ice-cutting, which makes very little sense, both as a business and to the story. It never explains anyone’s motivations (which means the directors are playing catch-up the rest of the film). The death of the parents is somehow not tragic (maybe because they locked their kids in a castle for their entire childhood, which, if you recall, is what the villain of Tangled did). You get very little sense of life in the castle and you cannot relate to it at all. And nothing flows naturally. Because most of the dialogue exists only to explain the background, all of it sounds contrived, especially the song lyrics. You get lost in both expositions, but for very different reasons. None of this matters, though, because Frozen still made $100 million more than Up. There is no doubt Frozen is exceptional for overcoming its many and staggering weaknesses, but how did it do this? Maybe if I were a better critic I could answer that question. It may have been because of the charming supporting characters (can it get any better than Olaf? I submit that it cannot). It may have been because it was the first unpredictable Disney plot. It may have been because the themes can be interpreted however you want. It may have been because the songs were catchy and relatable. It may have been because of the wickedly talented, one and only, Adele Dazeem. It may have been because it didn’t get caught up worrying about story and storytelling, it just entertained. Probably it was a mixture of all of these and other reasons. Whatever it was, I don’t really care anymore, this article is too long and I kind of what to go watch Frozen right now. BOTTOM LINE: I’m going to watch it again. |
Guest Article
A Discourse on Intelligence
By Narcissus
Intelligence - noun.
- capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity; aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc; manifestation of a high mental capacity. Why is it that the primary image that comes to mind when considering intelligence is a scrawny kid with calculator in hand, laden with thick glasses, a pocket protector, and an inordinately voluminous vocabulary? With this definition in mind, does this image portray one who has an aptitude for grasping relationships; does his fashion demonstrate a capacity for reasoning; is it someone who would ever have a manifestation of being high? No, no it does not. However, is the opposite true? Is intelligence shown by someone who sails a ship preceding a wake of broken hearts and plentiful smooches; someone who treats fashion better than fashion treats them; someone who takes the words, “Let’s go fly a kite up to the highest height,” more figuratively that literally? No, this is similarly, if not more untrue. True intelligence actually is something in between. Ideally, about five foot ten, dark brown hair, blue eyes, 130lbs, and a scar on his left hand. If not, here are some of my other observations of |
the appearance of actual intelligence.
If you are the sort of person who feels like you are lacking in mental capacity (to be euphemistic) then BOY, this is NOT the article for you! Inasmuch, it is impossible to become intelligent if you think you are dumb. After all, Socrates said “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.” Here he shows us the key to success: he thinks that he is the wisest man alive. So go ahead, boast of your genius, it can only make you smarter. One of the most curious things I’ve noticed is that the only thing required to get people to think you are smart, is to tell them you are. Albert Einstein said, “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former,” so even if you are stupid, you can still get people to think you are clever by preying on their stupidity. Let’s look at another quote by the quintessence of genius, Albert Einstein: “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” “What does this have to do with intelligence,” you may ask. Well, I will answer. In order to gain the confidence required to be intelligent, one must, as Einstein says, not try anything new. It is this simple: if you don’t try new things, you |
won’t make mistakes, and if you don’t make mistakes, then you must be smart. After all, only vacuous simpletons make mistakes.
Changing direction, do you recall that one imbecile in that one class that, after the teacher finishes explaining something, raises their hand and asks how to do it? Yes, we all know that person. Which brings me to my next jewel of advice: never ask questions. Plato once said, “Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools [speak] because they have to say something.” Don’t be a fool; never expose your ignorance by asking a question. Inquiry is a sure sign of weakness of the mind, and it is contrary to the ideas mentioned above. Avoid them at all costs. But how then do you discover information if you cannot ask a question? The answer lies in the words of Phineas Flynn-Fletcher: “All questions must be phrased in the form of an answer.” So what have we learned from my infallible genius? To wrap it up with a bow: 1) If you want to be smart, believe you are superior to everyone else. 2) You can convince anyone of your genius by simply telling them of it. 3) Don’t try new things‒you risk the possibility of failure. 4) Intelligent people do not ask questions; they ask answers. 5) Intelligent people tweet, like, pin, and follow The Ringo Star. |
Guest Article Submitted by Steve Parkin