How Old is Too Young?
There are many questions about dating and age. For example, how big can the age gap be between two people dating? Also, what should you focus on when dating at a certain age? Today, I will answer these questions once and for all.
0-6: The Cute Stage If you enjoy kissing, get all your kissing in at this age. No one calls a 4 year old “desperate” or “shallow” for kissing multiple people. Instead, they call it “cute.” That’s what I call a double-standard. 7-11: The Cootie Stage DO NOT PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP AT THIS AGE! You will contract the world’s deadliest asexually spread STD: Cooties. Your only antibodies to combat this deadly disease is through being anti-body of the opposite gender. Besides, this is often also the “awkward stage.” People don’t look very good at this age. Plus they eat boogers and run around the house naked. Trust me. It’s not worth it. 12-14: Terrible Flirting Stage Boys suddenly start looking good to girls. Girls begin flirting. Most boys don’t understand what is happening. 15-17: Exploration stage Begin to discover what you want in a mate. Birthing hips are a good one for evolution, but you don’t have to choose birthing hips if you don’t want to. 18-20: Narrowing Stage Experience heartbreaks, continue to see what you like. 21-31: Marriage Stage You should start to look for a spouse using the requirements you’ve formulated in the last two stages. Don’t worry if you don’t get married here. Stacy will be single until at least 60, and apparently, she has some pretty good genes. 32-999: YOLO Stage Stages don’t work out for everyone. These are simply guidelines. Choose ages that work for you. You have your whole life ahead of you. It’s your decision on what you do with it. I recommend spending it with someone you love, but I may be biased since I am a self-acclaimed love expert. |
Lessons I've Learned
Hello one and all! This week I’m straying just a bit from my usual topic of money to talk of something that is almost as important: How wise I am. I’ve lived a long, good life—full of luster and passion fruit—and have become an expert on pretty much everything. So I’ve decided to tell you of the lessons I’ve learned. If you have any wisdom of your own, please add a comment at the bottom of this page. If you have questions, concerns, or slander please hold them in. I don’t care about that. Just wisdom. Your wisdom (though not quite as impactful and touching as mine) is wanted since there is no way for me to tell you every single important thing in life. After all, I am just one obscenely handsome man.
Well, I guess I best get started:
So, that’s just some of my wisdom. I’ve learned these the hard way so you can learn them the easy way. Listen to me! I know what I’m talking about . . . usually. So remember, if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you filthy rich. |
Ab Imo Pectore
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! There is a lot of discussion about movies, most of it insipid. There are several things, though, that are important to know going into any such discussion. For your convenience, I have compiled some of the most important into a list.
- Your opinion on movies is wrong. Remember when you have watched a movie that your opinion of it is just that: an opinion! Ideally this would mean that when people talk about movies, everyone’s opinions would be right. What actually ends up happening is everyone argues their opinion as if it was divine revelation and treat the others’ opinions as heresy. So the best way to approach your opinion is that it is always wrong. Unless your name is Julius Caesar; then your opinions could practically be canonized. - Using the actors’ names does not make you opinion more valid When discussing movies people often use the rhetorical appeal of name dropping to strengthen their argument. The problem is, name dropping isn't one of the rhetorical appeals (logos, pathos, and ethos), so all it actually does is make you a toff. I don’t know what a “toff” is, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be one. - What makes a movie good? A movie’s primary reason for existing is storytelling. So for a movie to be good it has to, 1) have a story worth telling, and 2) tell that story well. This should mean that usually a movie’s primary aim should be to entertain. (This should not always be true though. Schindler's List is perhaps the best counterexample.) Movie puritans may tell me that is a shallow way to approach movies. I always respond, “WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA!” (If you want to win an argument, just yell that at someone.) Movie puritans disgust me because they have lost the ability to enjoy a movie, so you can either enjoy movies and use my methods or become a movie puritan and hate your life. - What makes acting good? I am convinced that the majority of what we call “good acting” is actually, 1) good casting, and 2) a well-written character you like. - Not every good movie is good. Realize, as you talk to someone, that just because you like a movie doesn’t mean it’s a good movie. And realize, person they are talking to, that a movie doesn’t have to be good for them to like it. - Special Effects to not a good movie make. I stated earlier that movies are primarily a form of storytelling, but this has not always been true. Movies began as a technological marvel. (Did I use the word MARVEL while talking about special effects? Must have been a Freudian slip.) It took a long time for movies to start telling stories, and it took an even longer time before movies told stories well. That is why Citizen Kane is so respected today. It told a story well long before movies were doing that. Special Effects, and more specifically Computer Generated Imagery (CGI), is simply another technological marvel. You dislike very old films the same way you dislike CGI-heavy films: they’re not worth watching until they’re used as a tool to aid storytelling. - Necessity breeds creativity. Big budgets and the proliferation of CGI has opened up the possibilities of filmmaking in recent years. Unfortunately, though, often this has an inverse effect on movies. This is because of the truth Plato saw when he said, “necessity is the mother of invention.” When a movie seems to have the ability to become anything it wants, filmmakers no longer have to work to create. This leads to movies about giant robots fighting giant aliens because “heck, why not; we can do it.” What do you get when you take the Star Wars trilogy, more than quintuple the budget and improve the special effects drastically? You get the Star Wars prequels. What do you get when you take the Lord of the Rings trilogy, double the budget and make anything possible through CGI? You get the Hobbit trilogy. Remember. Also, the title translates from latin to “from my heart.” |
Guest Article
Elements 119+
By Heven Stawking
Upon my observation of a recent
Chemistry class taught by a Mr. M_, I have come to the conclusion that I will
not talk about what I usually would (Theoertical Physics, Black Holes, etc.)
and focus on something purely related to chemistry—The Periodic Table.
But WAIT!!! I know you are practically falling asleep in your chair (or wheelchair in my case) reading this article, but there is more, as shown by my experimentation, to the Periodic Table, then meets the eye. Introducing, The extended (and super extended periodic table). Even now, new elements continue to be discovered, the most recent including Flerovium (114) and Livermorium (116). Unfortunately, these elements have only been discovered in quantities measurable by a handful of atoms, and a very small handful at that. If you wanted to see what either of these elements looked like you might need a couple BILLION more and I wouldn’t hold them either—they’re most likely radioactive enough to vaporize you or something silly like that. All vaporizing aside, the discovery of these elements highlights a new and exciting time for chemists everywhere; we have the amazing ability to create any element we so desire. Does this mean we can turn any element into gold? Certainly: just collide Iridium(77) with Helium(2) and get GOLD(79)! (77+2=79 Atomic Numbers add up). |
Even more exciting, we can combine elements to create elements that don’t even exist yet. I believe that these elements don’t exist yet because no other scientist but myself has had the audacity to create them. The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) stops the table at 118, but I refuse to stop there!!!
You may be asking at this point, what is the point in creating new elements with unknown properties and in super insignificant amounts? The answer: To name an element after yourself, of course! Every good scientist and person in general knows that discovering something means naming it after yourself. Examples: Amerigo Vespucci discovered America, Mr. Schwinn discovered Schwinn Bicycles, Robert Frost discovered frost, and so on…. As of now all elements are called by a latin-numeric scale (element 117 is Ununseptium), which will soon be history after my new elemental naming process. Here is the proposal: all elements after the ones on the periodic table right now, 119+ will be named Jamisonium after my beloved fellow discoverer and partner. How will people differentiate between elements? Simple, just add a different one-syllable sound after each one. As an example, element 170 is pronounced “Jamisonium-eennh!”, element 177 is pronounced “Jamisonium-oooh!”, element 777 is pronounced, “Jamisonium-øi¥”. This system will be in effect for elements 119-999, which means the elements after that are up for naming after yourself, so hurry up and name your own element before it’s gone! |
Guest Article submitted by Jamison Jones