The Four Loves - 2014 Style
The Four Loves was a book written by one of my heroes, C.S. Lewis, in 1960. However, a lot has changed since 1960. Well, I wasn’t alive in 1960, but a lot has changed since I’ve been alive. Well, I can’t remember anything but the last couple of years, but so much has changed in the past couple of years that I think it’s safe to assume a lot has changed since 1960. For example: YOLO. Nobody said that in 1960. Why? Because they obviously lived more than once back then. (This changed when the Soap Opera One Life to Live premiered in 1968, because we must listen to what the TV tells us.) Since the world has changed a lot since the book was first published (I blame global warming. It’s a “convenient” scapegoat.), I feel it is necessary to revise it to make it more applicable to our lives.
1. Storge Storge is affection or familial love. Basically, you fight, you tease, you throw each other’s barbies in the toilet, you eat each other’s leftover chinese food even though it is labelled to not eat, you give each other noogies and wet willies, you flush the toilet with the shower on, you stand in front of the TV during the best scene, you talk about things the other doesn’t want to hear about, you leave hair in the sink and bathtub, and you leave the toilet seat up, but at the end of the day, you say you love each other and it’s all okay. That makes sense. If you do these things to anyone not in your family, you would be immediately shunned by them. But hey, it’s your family, so it’s okay. Warning, if you want to pursue a relationship with someone, this is not the type of love you want to initially express (unless, of course, they are attracted to their siblings, but you might not want to court them if that’s the case). Going up to someone and saying “I storge you” is a plan for failure. 2. Philia Philia is mental love or friendship. Lately, this friend love has gotten a bad reputation. Something about how “we can still be friends” or the “friendzone” makes people look down on Philia. But really, if someone says they want to be friends, they are secretly saying that they love you. So who’s the real winner here? You are! Instead of getting the “We better go our separate ways,” or “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “It’s not me, it’s you,” or “Why are you following me creep?” you get the secret “I love you.” Score! It’s just the first step in a budding romance. 3. Eros Eros is romantic love. (I said this on accident one day. I think it applies here. “I put the ‘man’ in romantic. Otherwise, it would just be ‘rotic’.”) This is the kind of love my columns typically focus on. A good test if you feel Eros for someone is this question: “Do I want to kiss this person?” For example, you don’t want to kiss your sister, so that would be Storge. You don’t want to kiss your buddy, so that would be Philia. You do want to kiss your crush (word that seems to be used less and less every year, when there is not really another word that has the same meaning. People say “like,” but I like my sister and my buddy, but I don’t want to pursue them. “Like like” sounds too much like second grade. We should bring “crush” back.), so you feel Eros for them. I want to note that Eros is not lust. Eros is a type of love, and love is not lust. You should kiss for love, not because “They’re hot,” or “I’m thirsty,” or “It’s raining outside. YOLO!” or “I haven’t kissed anyone for a while. Now’s as good a time as ever,” or “I wonder how Pop Rocks taste when they’re in two mouths instead of one,” or “Hmmm, their chapstick smells really good,” or “They’re Irish,” or “It’s their birthday. Let’s get a bunch of people they don’t really want to kiss to kiss them!” or “Hey look! A bottle!” or “Look at that hanging plant,” or “A jumbotron in front of 30,000 people, how romantic!” or any other reason besides you really love them. 4. Agape Agape is charity, a love you show by dedicating yourself to others. This is the highest form of love, so I don’t want to make too much light of it. (I will mention that Agape looks like Agave, which makes sense since they're both really “sweet.”) However, in order to truly love someone, such as to marry them, you should want to feel all four types of love for them. You should be able to tease them and treat them as you would your siblings at times (Storge), be able to divulge your secrets as you would to your best friend (Philia), be attracted to them (Eros), and want to live your life in a way that would be most beneficial to them (Agape). Love is grand! That’s why I choose to write about it every week. There are so many types and contexts of love! |
Buying Happiness
So there we were, this other human and I, and I inquired of this person “What is it that you want most?” His/her response: Happiness. Ha ha. That’s a little petty, don’t you think? I would’ve said the ability to change animals’ genders, make other people sneeze at will, the ability to accomplish any task that someone bets me I can’t do (i.e. Crassus, I bet you can’t jump over that building. Oh wait, I have this awesome super-power, so I can!), or some other ability that would actually help me in life. But nonetheless, I guess happiness is something that everyone should aim for. I have seen that Promised Land and I guess that I can say it’s pretty great (although not quite as great as being able to turn regular salt into bath and/or smelling salts—it would come in handy when your friend passes out at the restaurant or you are about to take a bath in your kitchen and don’t want to run all the way to the bathroom to get the salts). Anywhich, I am here to tell you the quickest way to happiness: BUY IT!
Now I know what you all are thinking, “No, Crassus, you must be wrong! We’ve been told for years that money can’t buy happiness.” WRONG! If money can’t buy happiness then what can? Some people are happy, so they must have acquired it somehow. The logic is flawed. I’m sorry, but you’ve been fed a bunch of lies all of your life. Let me show you that money can, in fact, purchase happiness.
“It isn’t what you have, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you are thinking about.” –Dale Carnegie. So as long as you are thinking of money you will be happy. “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” –Gandhi. Let me tell you, saying “Money! Money! Money!” harmonizes quite nicely to the sound of clinking drachmas. “The only joy in the world is to begin.” –Cesar Pavase. He didn’t quite finish the thought, though. I think he had a stroke or something right then. But he was about to say “The only joy in the world is to begin buying everything!” “For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.” –Seneca. Right. It changes them to sheer awesome joy! “A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit, and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?” –Albert Einstein. This is not a rhetorical question, so I will answer it for you, Al. We need lots of things other than that, for instance: more food than just fruit, maybe a bed, friends, a special someone, and, oh yeah, Money to buy more than just a violin. “Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.” –Winnie the Pooh. How correct he is. So buy lots of balloons. That’s a sure-fire way to happiness. To close I would just like to say: Happiness is by coins, not chance. Thank you. |
The Last Will and Testament of KUWtKKeeping Up With the Kardashians (KUWtK), after nine seasons on television, is down to a 2.8/10 rating on IMDb. The reality TV show that follows the drama of an extremely wealthy (though neither talented nor remarkable) family, the blended Kardashians and Jenners, has lived a very full and eventful life, but as will eventually happen to all things, it is now dying. I know we will all be desperately sad when the show’s creators finally unplug it from the machines keeping it alive, but practicality dictates we now begin asking where to go next. Despite the difficulty of even considering a world without the Kardashians, I have suffered through the pain to answer that question. I have not written a eulogy to be read over the diamond encrusted, chocolate dipped coffin of the show at its funeral in the Canary Islands (Norman Tanner Olsen is currently working on that); instead, I have written up The Last Will and Testament of KUWtK. All it needs is Ryan Seacrest’s signature and we’ll be ready to salvage a future out the wreckage of a world without Kim (or Bruce. He’s my favourite). I would post the actual document, but, out of the enfenite (S/O) goodness of my heart, I will spare you the legalise and summarize it instead.
The Last Will and Testament of KUWtK The shows resources, crew, television spot, and fan-base will all be bequeathed to a new show: “Keeping Up With Olympus Musical Theatre”. Signed: [Ryan Seacrest to sign here] Keeping Up With Musical Theatre is a reality Television show based on the three female musical theatre directors at an ordinary American high school: Ms. Auburn, the theatre director and the Drama teacher at the school; Ms. White, the music director and the Choir teacher at the school; and Ms. Black, the dance director and (?). What’s that you say, American Television viewers? You’ll miss the drama of the Kardashian family? Introducing Musical Theatre, the Blue Meth of drama. One hit of this and you’ll never look back. You know what they say, “Nobody does drama like the dramatic.” What’s that you say, American Television viewers? Nobody says, “Nobody does drama like the dramatic”? Well I do, and I’m Julius Freaking Caesar. Little known fact: My middle name actually is Freaking. I’m so Freaking cool that they made my middle name a curse. Crassus’s middle name is Dagnabbit. Pompeius isn’t cool enough to have his middle name turn into a curse; his is Bilious. BOTTOM LINE: We are all sad to see Keeping Up With the Kardashians on its way out, but with all death comes new life! Bruce Jenner, former decathlete, now stars on KUWtK
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Guest Article
Fashion
By Polo Ralph Lauren
You are a human just like me, and as humans we have all likely asked ourselves the question that everyone asks at some point in their life: “where is the fashion?” With the spring season in full bloom and everyone gearing up for the warm weather, there are just a few things to know about designing your look.
1. Don’t be afraid of dressing classy Everyone you see is ready to throw on t-shirts and gym shorts and try to pass themselves off as fashionable, but why not take a step back and dress classy. Guys, try out a shirt, tie, slacks, and penny loafers when you show up for school. Girls, perhaps wear a dress, a bow, and some heels. This serves two purposes. First, you attract more potential mates by dressing well. Nobody wants to go to the ball with the flamingo in sweats, but the flamingo in a suit has plenty of suitors. Your classy/expensive taste also makes the rich kids look really poor. Teach them some humility. This is a total win/lose, with you getting a big win. Don’t get caught dressing too classy though, or else you’ll be the Alfred to the wealthier kids Bruce Wayne. Simply be the better Bruce Wayne. Make sense? Good. 2. Confidence is wearable We all know the kid that is wearing the most outrageous things to school and garnering all the attention. He gets the girls, respect, and popularity. Why is this? That person has confidence. This confidence is what you want to sport every day. It gives your aura a |
certain glow that attracts the people that will give you that long-awaited popularity that you deserve. (If you don’t like the people that you attract, refer to Pompeius, he always has good tips for that.) A good friend of mine once said “60% of the time, it works every time.” Don’t be the 47% of fashion. Be the 60%.
3. For the ladies I don’t want to be the typical guy here that says that leggings were the best things invented in the world of women’s fashion. We’ve all had the experience of running into some woman at Wal-Mart that has leggings ready to be ripped at the seam from how tightly they fit. (Sorry for bringing back that memory. *Shudders*) Tallest is hottest, and by tallest I mean biggest, and by biggest I mean go for the XXL sized T-shirt instead of that small you were looking at. It’s beneficial to everyone. People appreciate a little room on someone’s shirt to wipe their mouths when they get food all over it. You’d appreciate it if you needed cloth to rip to be turned into a bandage when one of your best friends gets attacked by a sea-bear. You could also pass an XXL T-shirt as your dress for the upcoming prom (again refer to Pompeius). If you go really big, you could use it as your car’s cover when there’s no room left in your garage next to all of your other clothes. Who knew fashion could be so practical? Like my friend Tim Gunn said, “Go big or just don’t go.” 4. Never fear wearing the same outfit twice My best tip: When it works one day, it can |
sure as heck work another day. Some of you might worry about this for various reasons.
There are three simple solutions to these trivial issues.
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Guest Article Submitted by Spencer Marsh