Summer Flings and More
With Summer arriving, so arrive the notorious “Summer Flings.” Two people meet, date for a summer, then move on and forget about the other by Fall. In honor of this gloriously romantic time of year, I will evaluate summer flings, as well as other types of relationships.
The Summer Fling Two people meet, date for a summer, then move on and forget about the other by Fall. If you are the type of person that enjoys forgetting things, this is the relationship for you. For instance, if you didn’t notice I just copied and pasted the description of the Summer Fling from the introduction, you should start looking for your fling-mate pronto. Pros: Avoid being bored in summer; makes for a great musical number (Summer Nights); No long term commitment. Cons: Less satisfying knowing it will come to an end; can’t do winter-sport dates; separation because of various vacations. The One Sided Relationship- Unrequited You are desperately in love with someone else, but they do not return your affections. However, you are basically dating. They just don’t know it yet. Neither does anyone else. Maybe that’s why everyone else is so rudely going on dates with your love. Pros: You never have to break up; their Facebook page is always there for you. Cons: Jealousy; you build them up to something they can’t live up to. The One Sided Relationship- Unwanted Someone else is desperately in love with you, but you do not return their affections. This type of relationship is very similar to having a pet. You can enjoy their company and attention at times, but they are always there and it can get annoying. Pros: You have someone that is always willing to listen to you; countless compliments Cons: They are always there; if they are reading this over your shoulder then that can get annoying. Friends Everyone talks about how awful the “Friendzone” is, but it’s not actually that bad. Friends spend time together, share their innermost secrets, bond, joke around with each other, and give each other help when needed. I basically described a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, minus the kissing. If you are only in a relationship to kiss, priorities (I’m looking at you, Brad Pitt. The ONLY thing Angelina Jolie has over Jennifer Aniston (“Friends,” get it!) is the surface area of her lips.) Pros: You have someone that you are close to; this can evolve at the right moment. Cons: Kissing is still an important aspect of a relationship; people will make fun of the “Friendzone.” Friends With Benefits I don’t know why this includes “Friends” in the title because it is the complete opposite of what I just wrote about in the “Friends” Section. Basically, in this type of relationship, you use someone to get their benefits. For example, you may not qualify for ObamaCare, so you date someone that does. Pros: See http://www.democrats.org/ for their description of the Affordable Care Act. Cons: See http://www.gop.com/ for their description of ObamaCare. Though these are just a couple of the many types of relationships, I think you get the point. You can get many different things out of a relationship. Choose wisely. |
Special Edition
Crassus has provided us with a special Storybook edition of his financial advice:
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Must-See Summer Movie List
If you’re like me, you spend your summers getting milk shakes at the Sugarbowl, playing baseball on the dirt field around the corner, sneaking into the local swimming pool, riding bikes down Main Street, throwing rocks through the windows of the old abandoned house, and borrowing your dad’s gun to shoot soda cans. If you’re not like me, you probably sit at home with very little to do, making another useless machine out of your Erector set and re-reading that book series that really isn’t that good. If you fall in this second category of people (which I don’t) then here is a boredom-curing list of movies to watch this summer (which I didn’t create while sitting at home doing nothing during the summer).
*Note: every movie in this list actually exists. PANIC BUTTON Gangsters make a flop movie so they can use it as a tax write-off, but the film wins an award and becomes a hit. WANNA BE’S Two female tag team wrestlers stumble onto a strange experiment that creates mutant monsters. ROCK-A-DOODLE Movie about a farm rooster that leaves home and becomes an Elvis impersonator. THE PINK CHIQUITAS A meteorite lands on earth turning women into Amazon zombies. Starring Sylvester Stallone’s brother Frank. STUBBY A six-year-old boy has a chance to play soccer in the World Cup but gives it up so he can learn to read and write. NORMANS’ AWESOME EXPERIENCE A scientific lab assistant is time transported to the Roman Empire. THE HOUR OF THE PIG A story about a lawyer’s first case that involves defending a pig that has been charged with murder. THE REMARKABLE ANDREW An accountant who is framed for cooking the books gets help from dead president Andrew Jackson. WHO DONE IT? A skating rink janitor wins a bloodhound in a contest and becomes a private eye. RAT FINK A BOO-BOO Really strange Batman satire about a rock star and his gardener who become super heroes. THE AGE OF INSECTS A wealthy executive gets a mad doctor to rub insect juice on his teenage son hoping he will be better behaved. MYSTERIOUS TWO Two aliens posing as door-to-door preachers star brainwashing earthlings. FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE A friend plays a practical joke on a couple. He invites the Pope to their wedding and yes, the Pope shows up. THE GREAT RUPERT Actor Jimmy Durante finds a fortune in cash with the help of a trained squirrel. IT COULDN’T HAPPEN HERE A young boy’s holiday at a seaside resort includes a crazy blind priest, nuns in suspenders, and a whole bunch of fat ladies. HAMBONE & HILLIE An old lady shuffles 3,000 miles across America looking for the dog she lost at the airport. THE TUTTLES OF TAHITI Title family the Tuttles basically lie about all day and do nothing. AGAINST THE DRUNKEN CAT PAWS "Flying Cat Fights 14 Demons" (Original Title) A blind martial arts student gets revenge. Seeing as I’m in the first group that lives the American Dream during summer, I have not actually seen any of these movies; therefore, the recommendation I give does not have the official stamp of Caesar’s approval. And if I had seen them, I think I could safely recommend you not watch them. Bottom Line: Be the first group of people and live your life. |
Guest Article
Life is Terrifying: Let's Talk About It
By Sarah Sloan Monk
It has just occurred to me that I really should have asked the editors of The Ringo Starr what my budget was before I stole Pompeius’s mom’s credit card and started racking up a completely legitimate expenses bill. All of those things can be explained: the $1,000-a-plate luncheon for Bruce Willis that Bruce Willis did not attend was necessary to get me through a bout of minor heartbreak; the brand new cheetah print heels really aligned my chakras before my date with Bruce Willis; and the 200 boxes of doughnuts were for … a good cause.
See how easy that was? Openness is my middle name. Unclaimed Openness Baby Girl. But enough about that. Life is terrifying, and we should talk about it. There are very few things that terrify me. I’m about to turn 18 this wednesday, (or, as people in Ghana call it, a midlife crisis), but rather than worry about my future I’m still thinking about that 200 doughnuts joke. If you need more proof that I’m fearless, I’ve accidentally been hiking in sandals on no less than three occasions, and I once made eye contact with Michelle Bachman’s cover photo for Newsweek. See what I’m saying? But I know not all of you are like me. And readers, I have now decided that I want to be the Sandra Bullock to your “young-black-kid-who-learns-that-poetry-is-just-another-way-to-rap”. Because, if I’m to believe the first half of the Fear Factor commercial I fell asleep to, there’s a lot to be feared out in the world. For comedy reasons, let’s make a list. |
THINGS TO FEAR:
(note to editors: put a spooky sound on a timer to be heard when they read that. If they’re slow readers, they really shouldn’t be in America. HELLO SLOW READERS. GO BACK TO CANADA. HOCKEY. MAPLE TREES. GO NOW, EH?) *ahem* 1. Hot people in regular life. What are you doing, hot people? Go model for a calendar and stop asking me if the only items I want to buy really are a can of cheese whiz and some marshmallows. Sheesh. 2. People who only put two scoops of mix into their hot chocolate. Those people will survive the apocalypse. 3. Getting your braces put on the day before the apocalypse. Who’s taking those off? NO ONE. Doctor B and his hot assistants are DEAD. Of course, there are two types of fears, according to the google search I’m going to pretend I did. There’s the legitimate ones, and the irrational. 1-3 are completely legitimate, obviously. But the irrational fears in life are much harder to overcome. Examples of irrational fears would include a fear of the fact that only one company makes the game “Monopoly”, or a fear that onions make you legitimately sad and you just don’t know it. (This one is obviously irrational because everyone knows that onions are a government conspiracy created to have a ready allegory for peeling away the layers of corruption in the Middle East.) DUH. |
“But Sarah,” you may be asking, “how do we deal with our irrational fears?”
If you’re asking me that, you are an imbecile, because I CAN’T HEAR YOU, YOU STUPID CANADIANS. SAYING SOMETHING WHILE READING MY ARTICLE DOES NOT MEAN THAT THIS IS A DIALOGUE. I’M PROBABLY NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR QUESTIONS ANYWAY. But in the interest of appearing nice, I’ll answer that one for you really quickly. How do you address your irrational fears? You do it like a man, which is to say: you don’t. You talk about it to a memento of your lost love (perhaps her embroidered handkerchief?), or the mute butler at your gentleman’s club, and then you pretend it was never a problem until you reach the point where you’re cowering in a ball halfway down a climbing wall at the YMCA cause you couldn’t admit to Tom Hanks that your fear of climbing would get in the way of Workout Wednesdays. At least that’s what Bruce Willis told me when he bailed on lunch. I suppose that’s the point I’m getting to here. No matter what you do, you’ll always have fears. And if you manage to get over them, newer ones will have been developed by Japanese scientists to take their place. You’ll always be weak, until one day you’ll be sitting in a Senior Center, listening to the oldies station, not realizing that “Get Lucky” has been playing on repeat for the last hour because of your dementia. So take a second out of your schedule to wave at the sky, because if there really are aliens out there watching us, your best shot is to make them think you’re in on it. Then maybe they’ll keep you as their pet. |
Guest Article Submitted by Sarah Sloan