Kindness and CreepersYou walk down the hall, smile at someone you don’t know out of the goodness of your heart, then continue to walk away. Suddenly, that someone is following you. For the next month, you get romantic notes, dreamy stares, and unwanted advances from someone. Blast your kindness! You’re too nice. However, there is a way out of this situation while still keeping your gentle aura. In fact, there are multiple ways.
1. Work on having a less attractive smile. If your smile is what is causing people to follow you around, you don’t have to quit smiling. Simply get worse at it. Practice your overbite, yellow your teeth, squint your eyes, allow pepper flakes to reside in your teeth, smear your lipstick (especially effective when you’re a guy), wear a purple mouthguard, have bad breath, color in your dimples, pass gas, never floss, or grunt whenever you smile. People will no longer follow you around if you smile at them, but the police may be the ones to start following you. 2. Be the fastest person around. The Paparazzi simulates creepers very well. Professional athletes seem to have fewer issues with Paparazzi than movie stars do. Why is this you ask? (If you didn’t ask this, you should now ask this. Pause while waiting for you to ask) It’s because while professional athletes are becoming more agile, quick, and conditioned, movie stars are eating complimentary donuts on set. Case in point: Have you ever seen anybody “run” the red carpet? Negative. If you want to avoid creepers, you need to have the best conditioning around. Because with creepers, you can run, but you can’t hide. After all, they know where you live. 3. Return the Favor It’s been said that people that are bullied are the most likely to bully others. Thus, the people that are creeped upon should creep on others. (False Analogy, but still true.) If you start following someone, they can’t be following you. Plus, it’s kind of fun to be the one creeping on other people. You: Howdy partner! Target: Do I know you? You: Not Biblically until we’re married... Target: Wait, What are you talking about? You: Kiss Me. I’m Irish. Well, not really, but kiss me anyway because you’re already in the habit of doing so in my dreams. (Proceed to follow them wherever they go. Close your eyes in the bathroom because even creepers have some sense of decency.) |
The Art of Mooching
Hello all. If you could see a picture of me, first off, you’d be incredibly attracted to it, but secondly, I’m sure that you would all wonder how I could have risen to my unbelievable financial stability, and I’ve decided to impart of my wisdom to the world. Let me tell you right now, the world looks a heck of a lot prettier when you see it from atop a toilet of currency. I literally wash my hands with money. Yes. I mean literally . . . But don’t think too hard on that one. Anywhom, I’m going to lay it on you smooth: If you follow my advice, you too can live like a king that held an emperor for an outrageous ransom, taxed the crap out of his subjects, married an exotic billionaire, discovered a gold mine, and owned a drug cartel in Tijuana.
First Lesson: The Art of the Mooch. Now we all know that one guy that lives off of his friends, borrows everything down to toothbrushes, and sneaks fries from the kid’s meal next to him while it's owner is crying in a ball-pit. Most may look at him and think, “Where are his manners?” However, I see him and say, “There is a man that has it figured out.” Mooching is a way of life. A good mooch is a great way to save money. When we perfect that art form of using other people’s property and having them pay for our own menial expenses, money is saved up the wazoo. It doesn’t even take fifteen minutes. A good mooch can be as short as a few seconds. Take that Geico! You must realize that you can’t appear as a moocher though. People are usually put off by the feeble attempts of amateur moochers and turn them away with ease. That’s what I’m here for. I’m a professional moocher. So listen up so you can mooch without appearing as the life-sucking parasite that you really are. The first thing you have to realize is that leeches are part of the ecosystem. Your job as a moocher is to cleanse, or bleed out, the excess of others. Money can be a burden sometimes. You can help ease that load for others. Many people are disgusted at this notion of being such a “petty” creature, but that pride is the biggest thing holding them back from glory and riches. Embrace the Mooch!! Never be embarrassed for your clever frugality. Mooching is something to be admired, not looked down upon. And once you excel at it, mooching will greatly increase your self-esteem. Once you are comfortable in your state of parasitism, the hard part begins. You must mooch for food or money that doesn’t make it seem like you are asking for it. This is when people become wary and skeptical of your true motives. A great way to avoid this suspicion is to make it funny. This can be done through simple things such as bets. For instance, walk up to the man at Subway and say, “Ten bucks says I can fit that whole sandwich in my mouth.” Then proceed to grab his sandwich and fit the whole thing in your mouth. Not only did you just get a free sandwich, but now the dude owes you ten dollars! What a great mooch! Trickery is another way to get away with hardcore mooching. Making your victim believe that they are the benefactor is hard, but can be done, especially if you choose your victims wisely. My advice is to befriend your host and then subtly proceed from there. I tend to aim for girls from filthy rich families. They aren’t used to thinking as much anyway, so they are easily swayed. Mooching them is easier and can be surprisingly enjoyable. Now remember, practice makes perfect when it comes to mooching, so mooch as many people as often as possible. I’ve developed a deep love for mooching and find it is one of my favorite past times now. The art of mooching is a beautiful thing and will save you loads of money. It is a skill everyone could afford to polish. Just remember the words of Art Garfunkel, “He who mooches most dies happiest.” (Note: by Art Garfunkel, I am not referring to the singer, but rather the hobo I met last weekend). P.S. If you add an “s” to the beginning of the word “mooch” throughout this article, it becomes a lot more interesting. |
Captain America: Not my favorite Rom-ComCaptain America: The Winter Soldier was released nationwide two weeks ago, the newest installment in the Avengers chronicle from Marvel. Many have called it, “Even better than the first,” although that’s a fairly useless piece of information considering that Hachi: A Dog’s Tale was better than the first Captain America. I concede, it was indeed better than the first, but it is still the worst Romantic Comedy I’ve seen this year. (It’s also the only romantic comedy I’ve seen this year, so I guess that also makes it the best one I’ve seen.) Don’t mistake me, it’s not the worst Rom-Com I’ve ever seen (Hoot still maintains that high distinction), but it’s by far not the best.
Captain America, played by the (literally and figuratively) dashing Steve Rogers, is a man who enjoys living a life of excitement, from skydiving into the ocean without a parachute to shootings in his apartment. The one place he doesn’t like excitement, though, is in his love life, which is why he falls for the 90 year old Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell). What does his taste for a boring love life lead to? A boring movie: 1) The title couple (Captain America and Peggy), when all is said and done, spends under five minutes of screen time together. The directors Joe and Anthony Russo, still rather wet behind the ears compared to many blockbuster directors, were not able to develop the relationship that quickly. The first several minutes of Pixar’s Up show that you can tell a beautiful love story with laughter and tears in so short a time (without words to boot), but the greenie directors of Captain America were incapable of such subtle art. 2) The love interest is old. Sure, it’s not as bad as The Notebook, where they’re both old, but it still makes any chemistry difficult.(WE LOVE OUR SENIOR CITIZENS HERE AT THE STAR. They can only read the larger print anyway.) I would also cite the fact that Peggy is bed-ridden (an effect of her age) as another difficulty in storytelling, but An Affair to Remember proves that it doesn’t have to be a problem. 3) Most importantly though, is that Captain America and Peggy don’t even end up together. I mean, what kind of Rom-Com ends without the title couple together? (500 Days of Summer.) Without any closure on the relationship, by the end of the movie, I was left feeling like I’d wasted five minutes of my life; like there wasn’t any point to it at all. The only redeeming quality was the acting by Steve Rogers. He really made the Captain America character come alive for me. This is especially impressive considering the character itself. In the world of Superheroes that are just like you and me, Captain America is difficult to relate to because of how different, how far-fetched, his powers are. In The Avengers especially where every-one is so realistic and believable, Captain America seems almost superhuman. How am I suppose to connect with a character like that? But Steve Rogers brings Captain America back down to earth in this most recent reincarnation. When all was said and done, It wasn’t my favourite Rom-Com, but I still recommend The Winter Soldier to any strapping young person that finds him or herself falling for someone who’s many years their senior; someone who’s . . . shall we say . . . getting a little long in the tooth. (THE ELDERLY ARE HE-ROES.) I believe this film may wake them up to the fantasy they are living. For everyone else though . . . BOTTOM LINE: Not worth the five minutes. |