Love MiserablesFirst of all, I think we all need to bask in the glory of that headline. Once that headline came into my head, I knew I had to write this article. A stroke of genius, on my part, I would say. It only took me all of 30 minutes to come up with.
Crassus, Caesar, and I have recently been involved in a local production of Les Miserables. Overall, the musical presents a message of love. You know who also presents a message of love? Me on The Ringo Star (check us out at theringostar.weebly.com). It’s like Les Mis and I are two peas in a pod. Because of our conjoined vegetality, I have decided to explore the love of Les Miserables and extract the lessons that can be learned from it. 1. Cosette and Marius Love at first sight does exist, especially when they involve girls that have never had a chance to develop social skills. Think this is just a fluke occurrence? I present other cases of this. Anna and Hans. Cinderella and Prince Charming. Every girl that has ever looked at me. So guys, one of the biggest romance weapons you have is naivety. If you aren’t a catch to people that you actually know, start hanging around people that don’t know you. 2. Eponine and Marius When someone isn’t attracted to you, you have to take extreme measures to try to get them to like you. For example, be their match maker. If they don’t have the guts to set themselves up, they may not have the guts to go anywhere with the relationship. That’s where you come in. You will have earned their trust through your matchmaking capabilities. Secondly, become a mail deliverer. Think Eponine is the only one to put this into practice? Wrong. Case 2: Rolf from “The Sound of Music” impressing Liesl, the younger wealthy woman. Case 3: Tom Hanks in “Castaway” causing Wilson to become his best friend. Case 4: Han Solo was a smuggler, eventually winning the heart of Princess Leia.Case 5: Ben Gibbard making music listeners falling in love with him with “The Postal Service.” Case 6: The Pony Express. I bet those guys got plenty of women. The list goes on. Finally, if all else fails, employ the Bruno Mars method: Catch a grenade for them. Sure you die, but how could you live knowing they won’t return your affections? That way, at least they love you in your death. 3. Javert and Justice You don’t have to love a person to have love. In fact, Justice makes a very good substitute for a special friend. Actually, it doesn’t. That’s why Javert’s dead. *Spoiler Alert* (I don’t feel bad about spoiling Les Miserables, because if you haven’t seen it or don’t know the storyline, you are probably a bad person.) Nevertheless, Javert’s love affair with justice lasted longer than most relationships, so maybe there’s something to it. 4. Madame and Monsieur Thenardier Two terrible people can stay together if they have a common goal. The Thenardier’s goal is to make a lot of money. Thus the love of money can also be the root of love. Evil love. After all, money is a big reason for arranged marriages. I’m not advocating marrying for money, but the Thenardier’s are some of the few people alive at the end of the show. |
Money: The Greatest Pet Ever!
So there I was, lounging in a golden robe, drinking ambrosia as I read the Good Book, when my four-year old barged in. He brandished Excalibur (turns out the Lady of the Lake can be bought) and rage filled his eyes as he screamed, “Give me a pet or I’ll kill you!” He’s adorable. Although, looking back now, I realize that I may have taught him a few of my more powerful persuasion techniques a bit early in life. Nonetheless, I’m proud of his assertiveness. Anywhat, I was in quite the pickle—not literally however, because that would probably sting my eyes pretty bad and I’d smell funny for weeks. On the one hand I needed to show my child who ruled this household, but on the other hand I really like to have my bowels intact. And by “ruled this household” I mean that I sit there like a British monarch (a very attractive and wealthy monarch, mind you) while Parliament, my wife (also very attractive and wealthy), does all of the law making. It’s probably for the best.
This is when a stroke of brilliance again hit me. I slowly reached for my wallet. I pulled out a Benjamin and handed it to my son. “I was waiting to give you this for your birthday, but I figure you deserve it now. This is a very special pet. Take care of it.” His eyes lit up as he thanked me and groveled at my feet. Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall. I was wondering how long this charade would last, but surprisingly, after four years his first pet tragically died. The entire family mourned the loss. All shed tears as I gave a stirring eulogy to Ben Franklin. He was great man . . . I miss him so much!! But as I said those tender words to the pet that had saved my bacon, I realized that he had never been alive and yet he was a part of this family! I realized that money was the greatest pet anyone could ever have for these following reasons:
So obviously, to all of you parents that may be faced with the same sword-wielding children asking for pets, money is the way to go. It’ll make its way into your family and heart. It loves you as much as you love it. I’d like to leave you with a wise saying I’ve learned to be true. Remember: In the words of Ghandi (Ghandi’s rich brother) “You must have the change you wish to see in the world in your pocket or piggy bank.” |
Taxonomy of Moviegoers
I have spent the last eighteen years of my life following, watching, and observing the not-so-elusive moviegoer. I have made a nearly comprehensive study of the creature, a study akin to Charles Darwin’s study of the Galapagos Finches, or Jacques Cousteau’s of marine life. I am considered by many, including myself, to be the world’s foremost authority on the the genus Audientis, more commonly known as the moviegoer. My studies have taken me far and wide. I have braved the cheapest dollar theatres, tamed the most crowded living room, suffered through the coldest of outdoor projector movies, endured the never-practical drive-in theatre, and even ventured into the most uncharted home theatre. My findings are complex with many subspecies and specific adaptations, but there are four species of Audientis that it is important for one to know and look out for.
Audientis Kritikos Commonly called the Hypercritic, Audientis Kritikos is generally the most aggressive and, as such, the most dangerous of the moviegoers. They can be found in the home theatre or in the middle back of the cinema, but their natural habitat is prowling the far reaches of IMDb. They are the most territorial species, so when you start stepping into their territory of expertise, you’ll know. Because of their aggressive nature, when encountered, begin nodding your head and murmuring your agreement with them while backing away slowly. In the event one is to lash out at you, their venom will usually attack your self respect. Perhaps the only antidote is humor best found in the realization that Audientis Kritikos lives a cold and depressing life of Schindler's List and foreign films. Audientis Sopor Audientis Sopor is the three-toed sloth of the moviegoer. Generally referred to as the Sleeper, this species will almost always, when the lights go out and the movie starts, quickly nod off. They prefer ecosystems of comfort, such as the home theatre or the higher-end cinema, although they are surprising adaptable in outdoor settings. A dying subspecies of Audientis Sopor will ask to be awoken in the event of their falling asleep, but the separate classification is unnecessary because, however one might try, most all attempts to keep a Sopor awake fail. There is great variation on the timing and length of sleep for these, but invariably the creature will miss anything important and be unable to carry on a conversation about the film. Audientis Eremitis The Recluse as it is called commonly is the most elusive and mysterious of the moviegoers. Tracking down and studying their kind was the most difficult. My first sighting of one was in a cinema, and I’ve tried studying them on the rare occasion I encounter one in a home theatre, but in both these locations, they are out of their natural habitat. To discover their true nature, I was forced to browse their netflix queue, see their library holds, and track their DVD purchases, which was no easy task. What I found was a wide variety of tastes and habits. At one time I thought they were simply a subspecies of Hypercritic, but I soon began seeing traits that stood at odds with the Hypercritic, such as their peculiar taste in comic-book movies. I eventually was able to discover their actual movie-watching habits and was surprised to find that they were the only species that could stand to watch a movie on a three-inch phone screen (once again at odds with the Hypercritic). Most surprising though was the fact that the Recluse is actually the fastest growing species of moviegoer, although it can be directly linked to the increased food source: movies on the internet. Audientis Oblectis Commonly known as the Feral Pigeon, Audientis Oblectis is the most ostracized by the other species. It can be found in almost every movie ecosystem, but it is welcome in none. This is because of its inherent annoying and movie-wrecking traits. The Feral Pigeon does not watch a movie for the movie, but instead is there for the social experience. Whether they are looking for a mate or else simply hanging out, their incessant chatter and lack of focus on the movie puts all other species at odds with them. Hypercritics will attack the Feral Pigeon with unprecedented vehemence for ruining the mood. Sleepers are awoken by the Feral Pigeons boisterousness. Recluses, though rarely found in the same habitat as the Feral Pigeon, will boil with silent hatred for them; in fact, from my observations, I’ve concluded Recluses initially adopted their solitary nature in order to avoid the Feral Pigeon. The Feral Pigeon would have died out long ago except that, although the most unpopular with moviegoers, they are generally the most popular in trans-genus (non-movie) situations. |